


no tears left to cry

by somalester



Series: blood and water [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, New Year’s Eve, Post-Break Up, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Superfamily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-28 14:03:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somalester/pseuds/somalester
Summary: Slowly, Tony and Steve reconcile.





	no tears left to cry

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be uploaded much earlier but I got caught up in my Holiday Exchange fics, sorry! I hope you enjoy reading anyway! 
> 
> also feel free to message me on tumblr: universalsuperfamily

 

It gets better.

Or at least, that’s what Steve tells himself.

He and Tony communicate more often now. Whenever Tony is away on business trips, Steve takes care of Peter. Sometimes he even picks him up from school to get lunch, and calls ahead to let Tony know. Whenever Peter is particularly proud of something he’s built, he’ll drag Steve into the workshop and show him, without worrying about his parents seeing each other.

So yeah, Peter doesn’t suffer as much because of their fight anymore, so it’s definitely getting better.

If only Steve’s stupid, naive heart had gotten the memo.

Tony’s voice still makes the warm feelings in his chest bloom. The way his long hair curls at the end, the wrinkles around his eyes, the kindness with which he handles Peter; everything has the longing in Steve’s heart grow stronger.

But Tony’s not his, not anymore. Steve made that choice himself when he left his ring and his family behind. He’d still been so full of anger and frustration when he’d written the letter. Tony had tried to kill his best friend, the man that had had his back during his youth and the war. He’d refused to listen and put the government before Steve and the team. He didn’t imagine them ever coming back from that. (He didn’t even want to think about the possibility of Tony forgiving him; it seemed as far away as another dimension.)

But now, all he wants is to feel Tony in his arms. And every day he spends with Peter is a reminder of how thoroughly messed up things between them are.

Peter looks happier though, and that’s what’s important, really.

 

* * *

 

 Ever since Steve got to know Tony better, the 16th of December has loomed before them like a dark, stormy cloud. Steve always offered his comfort wherever he could and made sure Tony didn’t self-destruct too much.

This year, things are different.

Even though they’re on speaking terms now, it isn’t his place to intervene anymore. He can’t even really justify to himself that he’s on his way to the Compound. Tony will be even more unstable than he was all the years prior, and Steve can’t stay away, even though it’s his fault.

FRIDAY opens the door for him, which is the first surprise of the day. Steve always knew Tony’s creations to be protective of him, and he doesn’t even have to argue with the AI.

But then, just as the door closes behind him, Peter comes barreling around the corner and jumps into his arms. Steve hugs him back instinctively, then frowns.

“Pete?”

A small sniffle.

“Hey.” Steve kneels down in front of him, takes Peter’s hands and patiently waits for his son’s tear filled eyes to look into his. “What’s wrong?”

“Dad, he’s...” Peter swallows. “He’s been in the workshop all day. And last evening, he was... I haven’t ever seen him like this, Papa.”

Steve sighs and gathers Peter into his arms again.

The urge to go downstairs and check on Tony himself is stronger than ever now, but he knows that he’s right where he needs to be. Seeing him wouldn’t do Tony any good, but Peter clearly needs him now.

“Let’s take a walk outside, hm? We can build a snowman and talk this through.”

Peter pulls away from him, biting his lip in obvious worry.

“FRIDAY will have an eye on Tony,” Steve reassures him, because he knows she always does. “If he needs us, she’ll tell us.”

Peter’s shoulders sag. “Yeah,” he whispers in obvious relief. “Please.”

The Compound was surrounded by a few impressive hectares of woods and fields that were originally supposed to be a training ground. Now, Steve is just glad for the quiet and the privacy.

He keeps his arm around Peter shoulders as he steers them away from the building, towards the trees on the outskirts of their property. Just enough of a walk to put space between them and the building, but not enough that it would feel like they were leaving Tony.

Once they reach the field between the concrete of the building and the forest, Steve crouches and begins toform the first snowball.

Peter hesitates for a second, then slowly began to help him. Steve gave it a few moments, mulled the words over in his head and wondered just how much he was supposed to tell Peter.

It was tempting to make something up, dent the role he played in it all, but he already lied about this once, and the repercussions still send knives of guilt into his heart every time he looks into Tony’s eyes.

“You know what happened on this day.”

Peter looks up from where he’s gathering snow. “Yeah. Dad’s parents died in an accident.”

Steve smiles sadly. “That’s not quite true, actually. They were... murdered.”

Peter’s eyes widen, but Steve doesn’t stop to let him talk. He knows his resolve will probably crumble along the way if he did.

“I found out on a mission about two years ago.” He breathes in deeply, shoves the memories of Siberia away and keeps his voice collected and gentle for his son. “I didn’t tell Tony then. He found out in Siberia.”

Peter stares at him, a myriad of emotions crossing his face. In between shock, sadness and anger, the betrayal there, that look so much like Tony’s did, hurt the most.

Finally, Peter settles on one simple question. “Why?”

Steve sighs. He’s asked himself that question often enough, and the more he thinks about it, the less he can justify it, even in front of himself.

“I thought I was sparing him, at first,” he murmurs. “You know how much he misses his mother. But now, I think I was sparing myself. I didn’t want to face that conversation and see him hurt.”

“You hurt him,” Peter says accusingly.

All Steve can do is nod. “I know I did. And I’ve told your father, I’m sorry for what happened.”

Peter looked down to the large snowball in his hands. “He shouldn’t see you today then.”

“No,” Steve admitted gently. “He shouldn’t.”

Peter frowns. “Why’d you come here?”

_Because I wanted to help him even though I shouldn’t._

Steve swallows against the lump in his throat. “I thought you could use the company.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Peter says tightly.

“I know. I just -”

“It’s fine,” Peter interrupts him, with a voice that says it’s very much not.

Steve doesn’t call him out on it though. They finish the snowman and Steve makes him some hot chocolate while Peter looks at him with hurt in his eyes.

It’s okay. He figures he deserves it, anyway.

 

* * *

 

 Barely a week later, Peter’s school holds its annual end of the year science fair. Ever since they adopted Peter, Steve hasn’t missed a single one of them. This time though, he hesitates in front of the entrance to the hall.

He hasn’t talked to his son and his legally still husband since the 16th.

But he doesn’t want to run from them. He wants Peter to have a family as normal as possible, and he’s never, ever missed this.

When he steps into the loud frenzy of a few dozen high schoolers and their parents, it takes him a while to find Peter and Tony. Tony hasn’t bothered to put on a disguise; he’s wearing sunglasses and a undoubtedly expensive suit, looking just as proud as Steve feels, who has a baseball cap covering his face. (He doesn’t know what would happen if people recognized him here, and this is about Peter, anyway.)

Steve waits until Peter’s display isn’t surrounded by other parents and journalists, then goes up to him.

“Hey buddy.”

Peter’s eyes go as wide as saucers, and just a few seconds later, Steve has his son in his arms. “You came!”

“Of course I did,” Steve responds without hesitation. “I’m proud of you.”

He looks over to the table, where a big construction is build up that vaguely reminds him of the huge cranes in a harbor.

“It scans objects and assigns them to the smallest possible packaging,” Peter explains animatedly. “My teacher says we could save tons of plastic this way!”

“That’s great, kiddo,” Steve says, meaning it. He can’t quite keep up when Peter starts to tell him about the programming process, but that’s okay. Peter’s proud of it, and so he is too.

Peter eventually stops rambling when one of the teachers stop at the table to congratulate him on his work. Steve steps back a bit to give them space, and Tony follows him.

“He’s really good, huh?”

Tony smiles. “Yeah. I’ll have to keep Hammer from offering him jobs soon.”

Steve watches Peter with a wistful tug in his chest. He’s almost missed a whole year. First, seven months until the Accords were repealed, and then he was too much of a coward to be a part of the family again.

“Steve?”

He blinks and makes himself focus on Tony. “Yeah?”

Tony takes a deep breath, as if sterling himself for something. “Thank you for watching Peter. You know, last week.”

“No need to thank me,” Steve says. “I know you probably didn’t want to see me...”

Tony smiles wryly. “Yeah, I really didn’t.”

“But I just, just had to make sure everything’s okay,” Steve finishes weakly. “I didn’t want to show up unannounced, but...”

Tony shrugs. “Kiddo needed you, so, it’s fine.”

Steve’s shoulders fall in relief.

Tony raises his eyebrows at him. “That doesn’t mean you’re forgiven.”

“I know.” Steve fidgets for a moment. “I just want -”

_\- us to be a family again._

He cuts himself off, though. Saying that wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

Tony doesn’t call him out on it.

 

* * *

 

 Steve never liked putting on a suit.

Not _his_ suit of course, the one that makes him Captain America, but the fancy, uniquely tailored ones Tony used to buy him for every event he dragged him to.

He’d been nervous then too, but since he’d never been alone, it wasn’t as bad. Now though? Tony probably won’t even rescue him out of any awkward situations. It basically feels like preparing for his own execution.

Bucky even told him he looked sick before he left, so there was that. Maybe people would avoid him instinctively. But that wasn’t why he agreed to attend when Tony asked him; the Maria Stark Foundation had suffered under significant cuts in donations, and if him being there would help to show people they had reconciled, then he’d gladly suffer for a few hours.

Which doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.

“So, do tell,” an elderly woman drawls. “Are you guys really going to work together again? I imagine it’s hard after getting betrayed like that.”

Steve doesn’t even know if she means him or Tony, and he doesn’t want to find out either.

“We’re trying,” is what he tells her instead of saying a few other sentences that lie on his tongue. “We have to be a united front, in case anything happens.”

“What about that man - Barnes, was it? Rumor has it -”

Steve doesn’t realize how tightly he’s clenching the wine glass in his hands until a calm voice swiftly cuts in.

“If you would excuse me, I need to borrow him for a second. Thank you.”

Tony barely looks at the woman, never mind giving her a chance to reply. He simply slides a hand onto Steve’s arm and drags him away.

“Thank you,” Steve breathes as soon as they’re in a quiet corner a few feet away from the crowd.

Tony waves his hand dismissively. “I know how you feel about these things, but you’re here anyway. Just making sure you don’t get eaten by the sharks on my watch.”

“No, really,” Steve presses. “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate as it is.”

Tony shrugs and avoids his eyes.

Steve feels helpless. He misses Tony like one might do a limb - a phantom pain that never goes away, no matter how futile it is.

Some of the other attendants have started to pair up to dance to the slow music a piano player provides.

There’s never been a time when Steve didn’t ask Tony to dance.

“I miss you.” It escapes his mouth unbidden, and he flinches in response, tries to backpedal as quickly as possible.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not my place and I shouldn’t have said- But I just. I do. I miss you.”

Steve forces himself to shut up. He’s just making it worse.

Tony has stiffened.

“I miss you too,” he says quietly.

Steve’s eyes widen.

Tony’s jaw tenses. “You still left us. Both of us. I can’t just ignore that.”

Steve swallows. “I know.”

Tony glances at the dining hall, biting his lip. “But this reminds me of better times.”

Steve stares, doesn’t dare to let himself hope -

Tony gives him a crooked smile. “Care for a dance, Captain?”

He's never nodded so fast in his life.

Tony grins and takes him to the dance floor with the practiced ease of someone who’s done this a hundred times and counting.

And he was right, Steve realizes when he settles his hand on Tony’s waist. This does feel like happier times.

The dance at their wedding. Tony smiling brighter than Steve’s ever seen.

Their first dance, at a gala like this one. Steve clumsy and nervous, Tony with a small smile and flushed cheeks.

It hurts. But having Tony in his arms feels so good.

 

* * *

 

 Tony invited him over to the Compound for Christmas Day during that dance. Steve couldn’t even think of saying no, lost in Tony’s presence as he was.

The rest of his team wasn’t thrilled to have him leave during Christmas, but Steve knew he had to be with his family.

And as soon as he steps through the door, he knows he wouldn’t rather be anywhere else. Peter immediately comes running down the stairs, wearing an oversized sweater that was already covered in flour.

“Papa!”

Steve barely has time to put his bags down before he’s got an armful of overly excited teenager.

“Hey buddy,” he says, grinning. “What accident did you get in?”

Peter pulls back to look down at where the reindeer on the fabric has gained some dusty white spots.

“It’s not my fault!” he whines. “Dad started it!”

Steve just shakes his head, still smiling. “Sure he did.”

Peter doesn’t even pick up on the fact that Steve doesn’t believe him. “Come on, you have to try some of the cookies! Oh, and Pepper was so mad at Dad for making a mess in the kitchen, maybe if we’re fast enough we can watch her make him clean it up!”

Steve follows Peter up the stairs towards the common area, trying his best to listen to his son’s breathless ramble. By the time they reach the living room, where a massive tree stretches all the way to the ceiling, Steve’s caught up on pretty much everything that happened in the morning.

“But we haven’t opened any presents yet,” Peter finishes. “I thought you’d want to be here for that.”

“Thank you,” Steve says warmly.

The tree is towering over the mountain of presents under it, brightly decorated with ornaments in all colors and presents rice ranges. And, of course, real candles. Tony always insisted on them, even after one time a whole branch burned down because neither of them were paying attention.

“Peter!” Tony then yells from the kitchen. “Come and help me!”

Peter grimaces.

“I know you can hear me, and don’t make that face. You shouldn’t have started throwing sugar at me!”

“I think you should help him,” Steve says mildly.

Peter sighs and reluctantly retreats to the kitchen.

Steve watches him go, and as soon as he’s out of eyesight, walks over to the tree to add his own presents to the pile.

“Tony really invited you, huh?”

Steve turns to see Rhodey rolling into the room on his wheelchair.

Guilt immediately begins to swirl in his gut.

“Rhodey -”

The soldier waves him off. “Don’t. What happened to me wasn’t your fault.”

Steve swallows but doesn’t respond. Since Leipzig, he hasn’t been confronted with Rhodey’s disability like this, and even though it wasn’t him who shot him from the sky, he can’t help but wish it undone.

“I’m not helpless, there’s no need to pity me Steve,” Rhodey says mildly. “Now, Tony however is a different story.”

Steve wonders why he hasn’t seen this coming. “I know I hurt him. And I’m sorry, he knows that.”

Rhodey eyes him with a measuring stare. “You didn’t see him after Siberia. Or Peter. I know Tony invited you here, but just because he’s given you this, doesn’t mean you can take a mile.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Steve says hurriedly. “I just want him and Peter to be happy.”

“And if they’d be happier without you?”

Steve swallows. “Then... I’d give them as much space as they need.”

Rhodey’s stern gaze breaks into a smile. “Just checking. I think you oughta do better being there for them as much as they want you to.”

Steve nods solemnly. “I will.”

“Good,” Rhodey says casually. “Because if you don’t, I might have to hide a body.”

On that positive note, he wheels away to the dining table.

Steve glances into the kitchen, where Tony is laughing at a now even more flour covered Peter, and knows Rhodey’s warning was unnecessary. He’d never forgive himself if he did them wrong again.

 

* * *

 

New Year’s Eve is a peace offering if Steve’s ever seen one.

Tony’s invited him. Alone.

To “talk about things” he’d said. So that they could have a new start in the next year.

Peter’s with his best friend Ned, and Tony sent Pepper off for a wellness weekend, so it was only them and Rhodey.

Tony’s still preparing the pasta when he arrives, so he starts to set the table for the three of them. With a bolt of worry he notices that Tony has a few bottles of liquor in the fridge.

Before the Accords, Tony had managed to quit for over three years. Steve knows that all fell away after Siberia, but he’d hoped...

“Wow, that’s gotta be one interesting fridge.”

Steve startles and slams the door shut. Tony is raising an eyebrow at him.

“I was just...” He fidgets. “Looking at the, uh, apple juice.”

Tony stares at him. “Yeah, Peter likes it. Don’t you remember?”

“No, I do.” Steve sighs. “Never mind.”

Tony’s eyes follow him out the door.

Dinner is a silent affair. Rhodey is eyeing them both with a watchful gaze, and Steve doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. The absence of the other team members is almost tangible, though Steve understands that Tony doesn’t want them here yet. He’s glad Tony’s ready to talk to him at least.

When they’ve cleared their plates, they move over to the couch. Even though there’s only three of them, and the room is consequently a lot quieter than Steve’s used to, the old ritual of having a movie night on New Year’s Eve does wonders for his mood. Tony and Rhodey bicker with each other just like his old teammates used to to, and he slowly unwinds while taking sips of his wine.

They get through the first two Star Trek movies, and then it’s less than an hour until midnight.

Steve feels strangely nostalgic. His mind involuntarily wanders back to a year ago, when the Accords were looming but still far enough away to grant the team a relaxed evening together.

“Steve?”

He shakes himself out of his thoughts to focus on Tony. “Yeah?”

Tony briefly avoids his eyes, then meets his gaze with newfound resolve. “Let’s... Let’s go upstairs, yeah? It’ll be a bit quieter.”

Steve swallows. “Yeah, I, I’d like to.”

Tony glances back at Rhodey, who’s watching their exchange silently.

“Watch the house for me, will you?”

Rhodey just nods, and Steve realizes Tony must’ve talked to him about this, which reassures him, in a weird way. At lest he’s not jumping into this without being sure of himself.

He leads Steve to the roof, where he has a small conservatory that they used to frequent often, back when their relationship was still fresh.

“Thought it’d be a nice throwback,” Tony says when they’re standing in front it.

Steve smiles at him. “It is. I’ve missed this.”

Tony sighs as he sits down. “Me too.”

They situate each other so that their shoulders are just shy of touching. Steve can still feel Tony’s presence, and they have the space needed for a conversation like this.

“What do want here, Steve?”

Steve keeps his head firmly facing forward, just like Tony is. Looking at the skyline and the few stars gleaming in the sky is easier than looking at his husband and all the mistakes he’s made.

“I want my family back.”

The admission is as easy as breathing. It might not be realistic, or even fair. But Steve knows he’s done lying. He has to be, if he wants to have any chance here.

“I know it’s not that easy, but I want you, and I want my son. How we used to be.”

Tony doesn’t reprimand, or even yell at him.

“Why did you leave your ring then?” Tony asks instead, openly, giving him a chance to explain his actions.

If only Steve knew the right words.

“I didn’t want to,” Steve whispers. “But after the Accords, I just... I was mad at you, and I didn’t think we’d ever come back from that. But now... there’s not a day that I don’t regret leaving it.”

“Do you really think that’s what you ought to regret?” Tony asks sharply.

Steve flinches, but before he can respond, Tony already barrels on, now slightly panicked.

“Shit that- No, Steve, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Steve doesn’t even blame him, not really, how can he -

“I’m not mad about your opinion on the Accords. We were both caught up in different circumstances, that’s not it.” Tony’s voice hardened again, into the kind of steel he always used in difficult conversations.

“But you chose to lie to me, for _months_. You didn’t trust me to make a compromise. You ran off without thinking of how this would affect Peter. And then you left me there, in Siberia. I could’ve died.”

Steve feels his breath quicken. He has the overwhelming urge to apologize again, but he knows that that’s not what Tony wants. He’s said sorry already, but they never really talked about what happened.

“As soon as I turned around back then, I wanted to run back to you,” Steve whispers. “I knew I was making a mistake. But I couldn’t face you either, not after what I did.”

He hears Tony’s smile in his voice. “So what you’re saying is you fucked up.”

Steve laughs brokenly. “Yeah. I really did.”

“But you still want to keep trying?”

“Yes,” Steve says without hesitation.

“Okay.”

Steve whips around to stare at him. “What?”

Tony raises his eyebrows. “You heard me. Though, that doesn’t mean we’re just forgetting this.”

Steve bites his lip and nods. “I know. And I’ll have to make it up to Peter.”

“And I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you,” Tony adds quietly. “But I’ll try. I promise.”

Steve eyes him hesitantly. “So, does that mean...”

He gets interrupted by the fireworks that at once go off all around them in the city. Tony grins.

“Come on, I’m waiting for my New Year’s kiss.”

Steve has never been good at refusing Tony.

 

* * *

 

 Steve insists on taking Tony out on a date. A new first date.

They spend the day in New York. Tony insists they take a look at the MoMA while they’re at it, even though Steve knows he finds it boring. Afterward, they take a little walk through a park until they eventually end up in a small, Italian restaurant in Brooklyn, where they’d been on their first first date as well.

Steve feels almost even more nervous than he did back then. Now, he’s got so much making up to do. He’s basically walking in a field of mines and every single one of them could destroy the second chance he’s been given.

Tony eventually comments on his sudden shyness, and Steve just tells him he only wants to make sure he treats him right. That’s all.

In the evening, they retreat to the exclusive hotel room Tony booked them for the night. They curl up in front of the TV with _Brooklyn 99_ playing until Tony falls asleep on him.


End file.
